You might have slept early last night. But I was awake. Awake till it rained heavily. I got off my bed and sat beside the window. The grill could let me wet my face with raindrops. I got closer to the window. I had never liked offering the rain my face so generously more. And the smile! Due to some abstract reasons…
Every drop revitalized regret.
I had missed so much like that before. I never meant it. It just always happened. I had resolved lately not to exert. So I didn’t. I always waited; waited for it to come out naturally, but nothing to date.
I have tried to treasure you so many times before. But I wasn’t always successful. You sometimes were just too beloved.
I remember that walk of mine alone when I walked so long; waiting for you to alight within. Hoping! But you were just too natural for this artificial effort. This God-damn fit that I have to go fetch from somewhere. I don’t like fetching it. I am tired. It all isn’t working at all. I give up. Ok? Giving up gives me hope; so just let me!
All that one week of spring vacation lapsed in wait. I wanted something at least, a clue may be. I deserve that at least, don’t I? I was waiting for it to come and say “That entire wait was worth it”. But… but… sighs… I don’t know.
My friends do affect me. Their worries do too. It’s not their fault. They are all very nice.
3:00 am in the morning… Raining heavier… Thunders, this time...
Do you really don’t want to come?
You got me concerned when you whispered in my ears “You are ignoring me nowadays”. And I never wanted you to say such a thing. Nevertheless, I am sorry.
And you! That night when I texted you about the “tongue wali simile” being better than the simple “Happy simile”, I meant that. You see, tongues can be fair pause-fillers as well as masks. (Yeah! I thought this nonsense lately :P ) Typical smiles break hearts. Sooner or later, they do. Tongue wali similes beleaguer you less. They help you get over the possibility of expressing anything through a smile. </3
I saw someone practicing it. All I could feel was “:’(” behind the tongue. And hence my fondness of your notion about walking kills me, because I too walk to beat the depression…
Sometimes the walking reminds me of that memorable incident when I and my friend were wandering in Anarkali and got to come across a narrow street that led to a 14 acre (I hope I am not exaggerating :P) antique “Dehli Muslim Hotel” amid the heart of that bazaar. The owner, Abdullah Shah, of that place was luckily there. His house was situated in the centre of that vast territory. He let us in as soon as he realized we were Ravians. Well, some heart touching life time discussions did take place there with a kind of special protocol. He was a very nice man. What I never forget about him is his unique piece of advice. We were expecting some traditional words of wisdom from an above 70 years old like asking us to speak the truth always, or respect the elders, etc. etc. But do you know what he uttered? He said, “Bacho! Jab bhi zindagi men kisi apney ke dil men koi ghalat fehmi peda ho jay to sub kaam chor kar sub se pehley sari ghalat fehmian door karo, sub se pehley ghalat fehmian door karo apas men. Go clear it. Make sure no misinterpretation or misconception remains between you and your beloveds.” Today, I still wonder what clicked that old guy’s mind to have stressed so much on such a thing.
And not so long ago did I realize the gravity of that unpredictable truth, whose predisposition dwelled in me since long. Why not remove the room for any misconception? But actually I never found someone worth it. And when I felt I did, the fear of losing him overwhelmed my sense of expression. This fear of my being ever alone again compels me to wear the mask of reservation, that I might not cause disruption. But I always try to uphold a caring demeanor as a sweet precaution from letting you down. And that night when you said to me “You always say you understand but you actually don’t!” I couldn’t sleep well. Although I am sure you didn’t mean it but still it sounded bitterly true :’(
Every drop revitalized regret…
But hey! Listen. You aren’t my friend because you are pretty; you are pretty because you are my friend. The way you make me vow about things like burying your first letter along with you in your grave when you die, making a composition out of those special moments we spent together standing in the balcony on a rainy night and enjoying the splashes down there, praying you die before me, pledging that I won’t ever share anything with such a passion with anyone else, imagining that bridge over the lake with you and I crossing it together with a big moon in the background… You see, I feel important and honoured. And that’s the best feeling you can give to someone as a gift even when it’s not a birthday. When you inspire that life is too short to be wise, I can relate to it. But then, this stupid heartrending end when, one day, you think I know you too much and you can’t hold that anymore, that out of a blue it makes you feel uncomfortable when I make you feel you are depending on me, you leave. Ok fine J At least let me escort you to the gate and see you off; see in your eyes last time probably. Because what lips can’t say, eyes do. But when you won’t be in my sight afterwards, hearts would do. May be we would see the same star some night… with you in your own world and I, in my own. We communicate through heavens.
It’s too suffocating in there. I need to be broken, broken into halves. On the edge of the bowl, strike me gently. Don’t smash me, just a tick sound. And let me out in the dish. Whip me with a spoon and cook me in the pan. Make an omelette or a half-fry of me and present me to your beloved.